Un-Zen and the Art of Email Management

Technology frees us. Technology frees us. Technology free us. Just keep repeating that like a mantra until you believe it without question. It's just easier that way. Speaking of easier, I still remember a time when managing your mail meant walking out to your mailbox and seeing what your local Cliff Clavin brought or looking on the floor in front of the mail slot* of your front door. Ah, those were the days … if you don't mind a total stranger being able to stick something in your house through a hole in your front door at any time of day or night.

Now I check my mail through my phone, which makes no sense at all to 1980's me, and I've dedicated most of my waking hours to checking my mail through my phone because a lot of mail arrives through my phone, and I like to look at it within moments of its arrival (because it's so exciting) and stay on top of it and skim through some of it and delete most of it and put some of it in folders and leave some of it in the inbox and mark some of it as unread for weeks. It's complicated, but let me just simplify by saying that I have never let the mail icon on my iPhone ever show more than 50 unread emails. Anything more than that would be apocalyptic.

I have two email accounts if you're interested, one Yahoo account from 2004 and one more recent Gmail account. The theory of the two accounts is the following. I give out my Yahoo email address when I'm signing up for frequent shopper savings at supermarkets and pharmacies, applying for jobs that I don't really care about, signing ballots, registering for things online, and blowing off salespeople. It's great because it takes off the pressure I feel when a stranger asks me for my email address. Now I just smile and accommodate them with a little inner chuckle that says, "Go ahead, send me a useless email to this email account that I now use as a giant spam folder." 

My Gmail account was intended as something different, something more exclusive, like a VIP account. Originally, my plan when I created the Gmail account was to gradually ween myself from the Yahoo account by strategically giving out my Gmail address only to people and organizations from whom I really wanted to receive email, thus having at least one inbox that I could be certain would always contain useful emails. That was three years ago. What's the problem? I'm afraid that amid the daily barrage of useless crapmail I receive to my Yahoo email there might be one precious gem that I'm overlooking. Also, I've sometimes slipped and given my Gmail address to spammers. The lesson of this story is that having two email accounts produces twice as much email. Also, check your email settings in your accounts. I'm sure there's a way to prevent this emailmania, or maybe it's just how life is now in the ultra-modern future.

*as per Wikipedia: A slot in a wall or door through which mail is delivered (through-door delivery)

Social Media's Triple Crown

I think I can achieve social media's triple crown, possibly in the next five years. It's not that I'm competitive or have anything to prove. I just like big round numbers. I don't know why. It would make me feel good, I guess -- 5,000 friends on Facebook, 500+ connections on LinkedIn and 100,000 followers on Twitter. The only other Internet-y accomplishment that would give me pleasure -- I guess you could call it the 4th leg of the triple crown -- is having my own Wikipedia page. I mean, let's face it, you're not really somebody until you have your own Wikipedia page. 

Here's the thing about the triple crown that makes it so prestigious -- it's hard to achieve, mainly because some people have what it takes to dominate one or two media, but all three, forget it. For example, twitter superstar Rob Delaney has a million followers in that medium and easily shatters the Facebook 5,000-friends limit, but he doesn't have 500+ connections on LinkedIn. I think that tells you something right there. Obviously, nobody wants to do serious business with him. Sorry, Rob. Britney Spears, same deal: 38.1 million followers on Twitter, Facebook limit destroyed, but she lacks the professionalism to make it on LinkedIn. Bummer.

Maybe I'm being a little harsh. After all, not everyone can be like Deepak Chopra, the ultimate triple threat. Here's a guy who can humor you on Twitter (1.9 million), touch your heart on Facebook (limit reached) and then shred the boardroom on LinkedIn (500+). His versatility, demonstrated by his ability to be powerful and yet also modest, even common, is truly terrifying. And then there's uber CEO Elon Musk -- 776.1k on Twitter, limit reached on Facebook and 500+ on LinkedIn, but the pièce de résistance is that this guy was the inspiration for a super hero, Iron Man, played by Robert Downey, Jr. in the Hollywood movie by the same name. Sorry, ghost of Steve Jobs. Yes, they made a movie about your life too, but in that movie, you were not a super hero, and, last I checked, Ashton Kutcher does not have 3 Golden Globe Awards. 

Do I have my work cut out for me? With 420 followers on Twitter, clearly I do. The 500+ connections on LinkedIn -- in time, I'll get there. Facebook, that could be a problem. I just don't know how many look-at-this-amazing-brunch-I-had photographs I have in me.

A Thousand Subject Lines

Hello and welcome to my new blog called "Re: Re: Hey." The idea for the name of the blog comes from the subject line of a direct message I recently received from a friend of mine through a social media messenger program. It could have just as easily come from the subject line of an email. Many of you probably recognize this subject line because it's been used billions of times (probably), and you may have used it yourself. It's the result of someone sending a message with the subject line "Hey" or sometimes "Hi" or "Hello" and then the subsequent "reply" to the message, which adds "Re:" to the subject line as per (the use of "as per" will be discussed in future posts) most software programs. Sometimes, the message sending ends at one "reply" or "reply to all," but typically, a volley of replies ensues with each reply adding an "Re:" so that one could end up with a message in one's inbox that looks like "Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Hey." That's not even that many "Re:'s." I'm sure you've seen worse.

I believe this type of nomenclature is unique to our times. After all, when I was a kid, I certainly never received a letter from the mailman that read "Re: Re: Re: Re: Message in a Bottle Being Returned by a Stranded Pirate." Titles just weren't as common in my youth. The only time you really ever had to come up with one was when you were turning in a book report, which usually used the book's title, or when submitting an essay such as "What I Did over Summer Vacation." Nowadays, people are being asked to submit titles in the form of subject lines dozens of time or more a day, and, really, how many good titles do each of us have in us? Moreover, who has time to come up with catchy subject lines all day? Hmm, let's see ... have to email the teenage babysitter about pickup time for the kid next Tuesday ... what's a good subject line/title for this important message? "Retrieval of Great Importance" -- too Hollywoody. "Of Pickup and Care" -- too literary. "Real Life After School" -- too cable TV and stupid. See what I mean. It's not that easy. It's a lot easier to just say, "Hey."